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you get a bigger effect with a larger set... oh dear gawd. i am really wasting all of my time. today has gone not as well as i might have liked. i am constantly thinking about art school, and not about current, nowschool. fuck this place. all the crap that is going down around here makes me feel like i am in high school again, kicking lockers and watching national honor society members cheat on tests. just thinking about those days makes me thanful. thankful for all the opportunities i have been given to avoid those people like the plague. they really soured my taste for human interaction. why be such stupid dickheads? now here, at my home away from home, in my new almost favorite town, it is happening around me again. (maybe it's the senior thing. i am about to graduate, and now am able to truly open my eyes to the world around me.) the people here have no respect for eachother or themselves, and at the same time we all care about eachother more than we can handle (and by 'we' and 'eachother' i mean people in their own groups of friends... while they are not neccesarily cliques, we are definitely grouped off here...)... it makes me want to cry when i hear that sterling's computer has crashed, and at the same time i want to vomit when i think of one particular individual (not to be named, but he is a bad person and needs to go into a hole and stay there until he is blind for what he has said about this place and the people here - as much as i loathe this place and the people here - he is a crapface)... so here i am, about to graduate and yet i am self-handicapping (ha! luke's thesis!), writing and reading journal stuff instead of writing and reading thesis stuff. is this bad? am i prolonging the inevitable - that i will never escape this place? what if i sabotage my own graduation. what if? this is what i miss: i need to sleep forever, or at least until may. |
i miss boston and the east coast and my old cats moonie (rest in peace, on a pile of dry leaves in the wonderful woods) and pearl (the fattest!). i miss doing nothing and doing everything. i miss the middle east (the restaurant) and the bargain basement at urban outfitters (skirts for $3 can't be beat). i miss my friend chris and going to the mall and then running away. i don't know why i am saying this, because my hometown is boring as hell, the people are bullheaded and crappy, boston is expensive and often not so exciting, and living with my parents would be pure hell... i think it is more the allure of non-college, of a lack of responsibility and a lack of need. i don't need anything when i am there. i need so much here. i need my boyfriend to kiss me, to let me kiss him. i need my friends to be around so that i can yell at them about how stupid i am / my life is. i need kitty loafa bread and spitty monkey tu-tu butt to run around the house and fight like professional wrestlers. i need to constantly borrow tucker's bike to get to school. i need to sit at my computer and just stare. i need to watch movies and read comics and make art and look at art and eat pistachios and and and and 