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the eternal question how often do you wake up and realize that you are trapped? trapped in a passive aggressive relationship, trapped in a body you hate, trapped in a mind that won't work, trapped in a family that is so very bizarre, trapped in an apartment that is too small, too expensive. lately, almost every day. the smell of my bed makes me want to vomit. the way my hair grows makes me want to shave it all off. the way my mouth moves makes me want to stitch it shut. i say, think, and do stupid shit. i do not say enough, more often, and more and more and more i am twisting inside of myself, like a towel wrapped around a stick, twisting tighter every day, needing maybe to be washed, dyed a new color, cut up and made into a rug. my motivations are dire, my stomach constantly rumbling. i have this love that is not reciprocated, a lust that is rarely returned, desires that are made trivial in the face of the emotions of those around me. am i selfish? where is the line? what kind of person makes herself more miserable on purpose? i do not want to feel like this, but here i am. wanting to tear away at everything around me, wanting to pick up and leave. tomorrow. right now. |
