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sleet v. freezing rain now that there is no love, no permanent, tangible amour in my life, my mind turns to other things. snow. sledding, hot chocolate, all these friends i never used to see ever. watching cable t.v., doing crosswords on someone else's couch, making pizza & then eating all of it. sleeping in clean sheets, taking long showers, tearing up photos destined for the fire. putting things in boxes, giving things away, paring down. listening to music. watching many movies. buying my friends breakfast. eating waffles with fruit and a side of fruit. coming home to an empty house. and then there's the boys. boys walking past, bundled up, tall and with the shining winter eyes. boys in other cities, with talented minds and hands that write crisp, eloquent emails. neighbors who have been in the back of my mind forever, but i can never tell, never never tell the truth to the friend. probably i am only a friend. probably i am a non-issue. oh, how one's self-esteem plummets, how one feels that if this person cannot find heart space for them, then perhaps no one can. but that is bullshit. i am trying like a stuck fox, biting off that fucking rancid leg, tearing away at the past, digging away, hoping to leave it behind. sure, there may be the ghost of that leg, lingering when my lips touch another mouth, but i know i know it's gone gone gone gone. |
