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double entendre working all day and then drinking coffee means that my body is tired but my brain is working overtime. i am thinking about the others in my life who are so amazing, so friendly and caring and open to my emotions and freakouts and calms before the storm. then there are those who feign interest. to them i say: don't bother. no use pretending, no use doing all this if it's going to be half-assed. i would like more full-assed friends. chicago is just a week away, and i am excited. i bought an atlas and planned the trip. mileage, time, how many days, number of coffees, trips to truck stops, nights in hotels. i am more and more excited about doing this on my own. it is one thing to have a companion, and i am still scared about the weather, but i will speak to myself, my cat, and my hands. i will commune, breathe deeply, smoke many cigarettes. perhaps i will buy a carton. oh yes. friday is my going away party. i have never had one of these before. it has always been other people leaving, other people taking the steps that they need to to move on with their lives. now it is my turn. to hell with burning bridges. i will leave them intact, in case i want to return, in case others want to cross them after me. it's not fair to ruin the road, to prevent other people from growing as i know i will. up until now i have always felt really small, young, stupid. i want to feel like i am 24, like i am a college educated woman, not inconsequential, not unimportant, someone who no longer loses herself in the crowd. so i will live on my own, like a grown-up, and i will find a new job, a new life. new friends, new roads. fuck yeah. |
